Know Your Crazy

(And the important things here are punctuation and grammar.  There is a big difference between 'know your crazy' and 'know you're crazy'.)

I'm not built to be a stay-at-home mommy.  You and I have a lot of fun, but there are also a lot of times when the walls of this house seem to cave in on me.  I talk to you a lot, but you don't yet respond.  And radio and TV just don't cut it for me.  Plus, if I watch too much TV I sink into a funk.  This is something I've always known and blame many a melancholy Saturday afternoon on a morning of terrible viewing.

So really - it's not you!

But the reason I'm telling you this is because it is really important for me to 'know' what I'm not good with, to 'know' what type of situations get me out of sorts - or in other words, to know my crazy places.  And one of those crazy places is at home by myself.  The first time I spent this much time at home was in between working in Sudan and Bangladesh.  It was almost three months of me looking to keep myself busy with a limited budget and everyone else I know off at work or school.  My facebook status update rate was incredible, as was my ability to watch 3 seasons of the 'L word' straight (heh).  But I was going kooky, and I was driving your dad crazy since I was picking fights most of the time.  And the other time I was in this situation I started trying to spin my own wool to save money (dear god) and did not get better until your aunt and I started cooking magnificent dinners and photo blogging about it all.

When I planned my maternity leave, I only booked off 6 months.  I was fairly confident I would be ready to work again. Everyone and their dog gave me the 'oh, you'll feel different when the baby comes, then you won't be able to leave her' [insert mommy guilt here]. And while I had to suspend a certain amount of disbelief, for in fact, I hadn't had a baby before, I did think I may have some inside scoop on this.

And I was absolutely right.  At home on leave, all the craziness that keeps me company when I'm alone too much totally returned.  I've had my brilliant times with you, and I've done my best to mitigate the loneliness.  We go for walks every day that it is sunny - including some 10ks in one day.  We've gone to tonnes of yoga and classes.  We've gone to visit grandparents six times in 4 1/2 months... And thank goodness for that.  I know that my favorite times right now are when we are just kicking around with family, whether here or away.  It makes such a difference for me to have other grownups around when we hang.  It's the same when we have coffee or lunches with my friends.

But the thing is, if I didn't know my crazy, I would feel awful about this.  I thought I was able to cast shame and guilt upon myself before, but now with parenting hormones, I'm a pro.  So I'm really glad that I already knew what my weakness was before getting into this.  And even if I hadn't known, learning this would still be great.  Because I know and accept this is one of my 'I'm not so good at this', I don't have to beat myself up or feel bad.  I have other strengths, and I'm comfortable with this weakness.

It's funny, I was thinking about this a lot in the past week, and then last night I started to re-read Brene Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfections".  In the first few pages I read "...my willingness to let someone I care about see me as imperfect led to a strengthening of our relationship that continues today - that's why I can call courage, compassion, and connection the gifts of imperfection."  For me, the first person to share the crazy with is myself.  When I can say to myself on a Monday night 'wow, I'm getting cabin fever', it makes it so much easier to deal with.  Instead of my 'imperfection' making me feel ashamed, it just simply exists.  And without all the emotional baggage around it, I can actually do something about it rather than diving into some pity party.  And by being honest, and working with my crazy, it shows people around me that it's okay to know their crazy as well.  I want you to know that.  I want you to grow up realising that you will have 'crazies'.  And at first they will confuse you.  But you get a choice to either accept them and learn to cope with them, or to pretend they don't exist and feel poopy every time their occur.  I vote for the former of course, but it will be up to you.  In the meantime, I promise to show you that I have many imperfections that I won't try to hide or cover up in front of you.  You'll see a mom who does who best with who she is.  And it's all I can hope for you in your future.